My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
