Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
