i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He shit in the fireplace
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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