You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
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I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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