My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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