Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
