Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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