i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
