I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
