They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
