I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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