So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
