I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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