So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
