It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
