Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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