who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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