I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
