My Higher Power is John Stamos
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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