I accidentally had phone sex last night
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
