every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
