Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
