he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
