I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
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