got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
