I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
