6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
