why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
