do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
