Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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