What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
