The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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