overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
