I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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