Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
