When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
