I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
