Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
