i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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