i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
