so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
