It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
