Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
