Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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