wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
