She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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