If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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