there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
