I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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