The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
my shit smells like andre
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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