a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
please come you make the beer taste better
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
