omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
