I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
