gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
