so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
