also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Is Oprah even human
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
