I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
